If Only
by KJonasFan4
Summary: If only things had happened differently. If only I had walked out that door. If only we had known...JOVIN Joe/Kevin


It wasn't supposed to end like this. We weren't supposed to fall apart like everyone said we would. We were supposed to end up living together for the rest of our lives. We were supposed to stand beside each other forever. We were supposed to go to college and move to San Francisco. We weren't supposed to end. Our love, our friendship, wasn't supposed to just up and leave. You were supposed to stay beside me. Hold me in the darkest days of our lives. I was supposed to be there for you.

But, I wasn't.

You weren't.

Sadly, I guess we just were never meant to last.

Why did all of this have to happen to us? Why were we the ones who had to go through this? Why couldn't someone else deal with all this pain? Is this God's way of punishing us? I mean, I know that what we have isn't really acceptable in today's society. But we promised to make it through.

Remember?

When I was 17 and you were just turning 19? You took me to the store for my birthday and bought me all the candy I wanted and told me you loved me as I shoved a Twix into my mouth. I felt my heart skip a beat and my stomach filled with butterflies as you leaned in and captured your soft lips with my chocolate covered mouth. It was definitely the best birthday of my life.

But, now three years later, you just walked out of our small one-bedroom apartment after saying you didn't think we should be together any more. I'm sitting here crying my heart out and holding the pillow that still smells like your coconut shampoo. I guess I'm in shock. I haven't moved in the past 20 minutes. I don't feel like I have the need to. Why should I? Everything I ever cared about just left me with a shattered heart.

Why won't you come back? You promised. You promised me that you'd never leave. You made me a promise that you said you would always keep, even if it meant having to share a bedroom with 30 cats, no air conditioning, and only two pairs of clean clothes. You made that promise to me only five months after you said you loved me.

Remember?

I was sitting by myself at the town's baseball field. It was right after we had our first major fight. You told me you didn't think that we would work out. You questioned what I believed in and that made me start to question it. I believed that we would make it and last forever. Until you said, "Joe, I don't know about this." I felt my heart skip a beat, but not like the one it did when our lips first met. It was fear and anxiety that grabbed my heart and attempted to squeeze the life out of it. I had tears in my eyes before I even ran out of the front door. I ran and ran until I reached the old bleachers behind home plate. Not even five minutes after I sat down, I heard your old 99' blue mustang pull up and the metal door squeak open and closed. You came and sat beside me, not saying anything. You pulled me into your warm body and whispered into my left ear that you made up your mind.

My mind froze and my body stiffened. You noticed and held me even closer. You kissed my cheek before looking into my red and puffy eyes.

"You're beautiful, Joe. I love you. I never want to let you go. Please be mine, forever and for always?" Your eyes began to tear up and I could feel my heart swell when I saw that you meant it. Your eyes looked deep into mine before we closed the distance between our lips and our hearts.

"Promise never to leave me?" I whispered as we pulled apart.

"I promise to never leave you, Joey. Never."

"Even if we have to share an apartment with 30 cats?" I smiled as the corners of your eyes crinkled into a loving smile.

"Even if we have to share an apartment with 30 cats, no air conditioning, and only two pairs of clean clothes." You laughed lightly and we both shared another happy moment in our lives.

Now, I'm still sitting in our bedroom and I've finally turned on the radio we bought at Wal-Mart.

Wow. If this was a movie, it would be the ultimate cliché. I mean, how weird is it that when I just happen to turn on the radio, the first song I hear is 'our' song. Total movie romance. Cheesy and weirdly romantic. You always liked that kind of cheesy stuff, but I couldn't really stand it. Even when I said I'd watch Titanic with you a thousand times if it meant that I could hold you in my arms. I don't even know what that movie's about. But I've seen it about fourteen times.

Well, I don't know what to do now. I just want to crawl under the covers and cry my heart out. But, a different part of me wants to run out the door and chase after you. But where would you be?

I guess just asking that question doesn't mean I know you that well. Even if we are brothers and spent all of my life together.

I guess, if we were meant to be, I would have known that answer before I even asked that question.

If I was really your best friend and lover, I would have known that you really _did _care about me.

If I was really your best friend and lover, I would have known that you're heart was always mine.

If I was really your best friend and lover, I would have known that all I had to do was walk out the door.

If I was really your best friend and lover, I would have known that you would never leave me.

If I was really supposed to be your best friend and lover, I would have known that you were waiting for me.

If only I had walked out that door and looked for you instead of pretending not to care. Maybe then, I wouldn't find myself sitting at the old wooden bench in the old park and wishing that I had chased you.

Maybe then, I'd still be happy. Maybe then, I would have seen the tears in your eyes and the hurt in your heart.

If only I had went after you.

If I had walked out that door, I would have found you. Sitting there on the other side of the hall. Wishing for me to walk out the door any second. Each moment seeming longer and longer before you finally gave up hope.

Gave up hope for your life.

Gave up hope for us.


End file.
